How Do I Help Someone Who Refuses Help?

A common question we hear is, “How do I help someone who refuses help?” You can’t force recovery, but you can stop feeding the chaos, protect your home, and keep a clear path to real treatment open. The goal isn’t to “win the argument”—it’s to reduce harm, hold boundaries, and be ready the moment they crack the door open.

Safety first (read this before anything else)

If there’s immediate danger—overdose risk, violence, threats of self-harm, or a severe mental health crisis—treat it like an emergency, not a “relationship problem.” When you need treatment guidance and referrals (for them or for you), SAMHSA’s National Helpline is free, confidential, and available 24/7/365 in English and Spanish.

What “refusing help” usually means (and what it doesn’t)

When someone refuses help, it doesn’t always mean they don’t love you or don’t understand the damage—it often means they’re stuck in denial, fear, shame, or straight-up terror about withdrawal, consequences, or life without using. A lot of people live in ambivalence (part of them wants out, part of them wants the drug/alcohol more), and pushing harder can trigger more lying, disappearing, or rage.

What you can do first (today, not “someday”)

The first move is getting out of the trap where their “no” becomes the end of the conversation. Make a plan that protects you and keeps options ready.

Pick one calm time to talk (not during intoxication, not mid-fight).

Decide 2–3 boundaries you will actually enforce (money, housing rules, kids, driving, violence, drugs in the home).

Line up real options before you talk: names of providers, an intake number, transportation, childcare, work coverage.

Put support on your side of the table too—SAMHSA’s National Helpline can point families toward referrals and information, even if your loved one won’t call.

How to talk so they don’t instantly shut down

This isn’t about perfect wording. It’s about lowering the temperature and keeping your message consistent.

Use a motivational style: less lecture, more listening—open questions, affirmations, reflective listening, and summaries (often taught as “OARS”). This approach is built to reduce resistance and pull out the part of them that still wants a different life.

A simple script that doesn’t beg:

“I love you, and I’m scared. I’ve noticed ____. This is what I need to see change: ____.”

“I will help you take the next step today (call, intake, ride).”

“But I will not ____ anymore.”

Then stop talking. Let silence do some work.

Boundaries: the line between love and self-destruction

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re a statement of what you will do to protect safety, stability, money, and children—even if they stay the same. Mayo Clinic’s intervention guidance includes being prepared to follow through, because empty threats teach people that nothing is real.

Examples of enforceable boundaries:

“No drugs/alcohol in the house.”

“No using around the kids.”

“No money given in cash.”

“If you drive intoxicated or bring violence here, you can’t stay here.”

When an intervention makes sense (and how to do it without a disaster)

If things keep sliding and conversations go nowhere, a structured intervention can be a next move—but not a surprise ambush. Mayo Clinic describes intervention planning as forming a team, deciding what to say, and having a specific treatment program/plan ready to offer.

A clean, responsible intervention plan:

Build a small team (people they respect, not people who want revenge).

Agree on the message: specific behaviors, real impact, clear ask.

Rehearse to stay calm and consistent.

Have a treatment option ready that day (not “sometime next week”).

Be ready to follow through if they refuse.

If they still refuse, what “helping” looks like now

If they say no, you don’t keep negotiating your dignity. You hold the line. You can keep offering real options (appointments, rides, referral calls) without rescuing them from consequences or letting the whole household become collateral damage.

Two practical next steps:

Keep one “open door” offer: “If you’re ready, I’ll help you call for an intake today.”

Keep one “closed door” boundary: “If you use here / bring chaos here / threaten safety, this home won’t host it.”

Legit resources

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) — free, confidential, 24/7/365 treatment referral and information for individuals and families; available in English and Spanish.
FindTreatment.gov: a directory for finding treatment options in the U.S.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (U.S.) for free, confidential, 24/7 support from the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Some links below are affiliate links—if you click and buy, this site may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. It helps keep the lights on, and only services worth recommending get linked.

Talkspace provides virtual therapy (and also offers psychiatry services on its platform), so support can happen from a phone or computer instead of an office visit.
Online-Therapy.com is a CBT-focused online therapy platform that combines a self-guided program (sections + worksheets) with therapist support, including messaging and optional live sessions depending on subscription level.
Brightside offers an online Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for substance use disorder, built around a weekly schedule that includes group therapy, individual therapy, and psychiatry/med consults as needed.

Keep Going

Early Recovery Guide: Start Here (the “what to do in the first days/weeks” playbook).
Detox vs Rehab vs IOP (What level of care is right for you?)
First Meeting Guide (Nervous about your first meeting?)
Craving Plan (Coming soon)
Trigger Audit
Boundaries (Coming soon)

How do I help someone who refuses help?

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