Boundaries With An Addict: Proven Next-Step Plan For Family & Friends

If you’re reading this, it’s already been bad. You’ve watched someone you love disappear behind lies, chaos, and “I’ll change tomorrow.” You’ve tried being nice, being tough, being patient, being loud, being quiet, paying the bill, not paying the bill—none of it sticks.

Learning how to set boundaries with an addict is for the person who’s done arguing with addiction and wants a plan that actually holds up when things get messy. This is educational, not medical advice, and it can’t replace a clinician or treatment team.

If you need the “start here” overview first, read: Watching this happen (the family/friend section of the Early Recovery Guide).

Quick safety note (read this once)

When setting boundaries with an addict, the situation can get volatile. If you think they may overdose, have alcohol withdrawal, become violent, or you fear for your safety, call emergency services. If you or someone else is in crisis right now, call/text/chat 988 (US).

What boundaries with an addict are (and what they aren’t)

A boundary with an addict is what you will do to protect your time, money, home, kids, and sanity—regardless of what they choose. Control is trying to make them stop using through pressure, guilt, threats, or lectures.

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re the line between “I love you” and “I’m going down with you.”

Boundaries also aren’t “I won’t talk to you unless you get sober” (and then you cave three hours later). A boundary that collapses becomes a lesson: your words don’t matter, and addiction runs the house.

The biggest trap: helping that secretly funds the addiction

Most families aren’t “enabling” because they’re stupid or weak. Panic makes people do things that feel like love in the moment and turn into gasoline long-term.

Common “help” that often makes it worse:

Cash, Venmo, “just this once” loans, paying dealers indirectly
Paying rent/phone/car to “keep them stable” while they keep using
Letting them live at home with no expectations while chaos grows
Covering for them (boss, family, court, school)
Arguing while they’re high or withdrawing (nothing productive happens)

You can support recovery without supporting addiction, but you have to separate the two like your life depends on it—because it might.

The boundary rules (so yours actually work)

Rule 1: Write them down

When emotions spike, your brain forgets. Paper remembers.

Rule 2: Keep them specific

“Stop lying” is vague. “If you lie about using, you don’t stay here tonight” is specific.

Rule 3: Only set boundaries you can enforce

If you can’t enforce it, don’t say it. Start smaller.

Rule 4: Don’t debate them

A boundary is not a courtroom case. State it once, then follow through.

Rule 5: Boundaries need a next step

“Get out” without a plan can become disaster. Your goal is safety plus forward motion, not revenge.

Your Boundary Starter Kit (pick 3–5)

Choose the ones that fit your situation. The goal is fewer rules, enforced consistently.

1) Money boundary (the big one)

Boundary: “I’m not giving you cash or paying anything that frees up money to use.”
What you can offer instead:

Pay a bill directly (to the company, not to them)
Buy groceries (if that won’t be traded/sold)
Pay for a ride to treatment, assessment, or a meeting

2) Home boundary (safety over comfort)

Boundary: “No using in my home. No drugs, paraphernalia, or stolen property here.”
Possible enforcement actions:

If they show up high: no entry, or they leave
If they use in the home: they lose access to the home
If there’s violence or threats: call for help immediately

3) Communication boundary (no chaos access)

Boundary: “I will not argue with you when you’re high, yelling, or manipulating.”
What you do:

End the call
Stop replying to texts
Re-engage only when they’re calm and respectful

4) Transportation boundary (don’t drive the disaster)

Boundary: “I’m not driving you to get drugs or to people you use with.”
What you can do:

Drive to detox, treatment intake, a doctor appointment, or a recovery meeting

5) Kids boundary (non-negotiable)

Boundary: “You don’t see the kids when you’re using or unstable.”
This boundary isn’t cruel. It’s protective. Addiction doesn’t just hurt the user—it trains the whole family to live in fear.

6) Legal boundary (no more cover-ups)

Boundary: “I won’t lie for you, call your boss, or fix consequences you created.”
You can still care while letting consequences teach what you can’t.

Scripts you can steal (short, direct, repeatable)

The core script (use this most)

“I love you. I’ll help you get help. I won’t help you keep using.”

When they ask for money

“I’m not giving cash. If you want treatment, I’ll help you call and I’ll help with a ride.”

When they blow up or guilt-trip you

“I’m not doing this conversation like this. I’m hanging up now. If you want help, text me ‘help’ when you’re calm.”

When they demand to come home

“You can come home if you’re sober and you follow the house rules. If you’re using, you can’t stay here. I’ll help you find a treatment option.”

When you suspect they’re lying

“I’m not debating. I’m going off patterns and behavior. The plan stays the same.”

When they promise “tomorrow”

“I’m glad you want change. The next step is today: assessment, detox, or a meeting. Which one are you choosing right now?”

When you’re done talking

“I love you. My answer is no. If you want help getting into treatment, I’m here.”

Next-step plan: what to do in the next 24 hours

This is your “stop the bleeding” plan.

Decide your top 3 boundaries
Write them down in one page. Keep them simple.
Tell one other adult the truth
Addiction thrives in secrecy. Backup makes boundaries enforceable.
Remove easy access
If they have keys, spare phones, access to your cards, or passwords—change it. This is not revenge, it’s risk management.
Get harm-reduction ready (even if you hate that this is real)
If opioids are involved, learn how to get and use naloxone in your area and keep it accessible. If you don’t know what they’re using, assume risk is present.
Make the call for treatment options
In the US, SAMHSA’s National Helpline is 1-800-662-HELP (4357). Tell them your city/state, insurance status, and what’s been happening.

Next-step plan: the next 7 days (structure beats hope)

Day 1–2: Hold the line

Expect pushback. Expect tears. Expect rage. Consistency is what teaches your boundaries are real.

Day 3–5: Build a small support team

Pick two:

A therapist or counselor for you
Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, SMART Recovery Family & Friends
A trusted friend/family member who won’t undermine you

Day 6–7: Create a “help path” you can repeat

Write a short list titled: “If you want help, here’s what I’ll do.”

I will call treatment centers with you
I will drive you to an assessment/detox intake
I will attend a family session if the program offers it
I will support recovery actions (meetings, sponsor calls, outpatient attendance)

And a second list titled: “If you’re using, here’s what I won’t do.”

No cash
No lying/covering
No staying in my home
No contact with kids

How to tell if your boundaries are working

Working doesn’t always mean they get sober immediately. Progress often looks like:

Less chaos in your home
Fewer emergency “rescues”
More honesty (even if it’s ugly)
More treatment conversations and fewer manipulation cycles
You sleeping, eating, and thinking clearly again

If everything escalates and stays escalated, you may need more outside support, a tighter safety plan, or professional guidance on boundaries in high-risk situations.

What to do when they relapse (without losing your mind)

Relapse doesn’t mean “nothing works.” It often means the plan needs tightening.

Use this response pattern:

“I’m sorry you’re in this. The boundary stays the same.”
“Do you want help getting back into treatment today?”
If they say no: “Okay. I love you. I’m not funding this.”

Then follow through. No lectures. No bargains at 2 a.m. No “just one night” that turns into six months.

If they refuse help entirely

This is the part nobody wants to accept: you can’t force recovery. Power lives in what you control:

Your money
Your home
Your attention
Your kids
Your participation in the chaos

Sometimes the most loving act is to stop buffering the consequences long enough for reality to get loud.

You don’t have to be perfect to help—you just have to stop being predictable to the addiction. Consistency, direct language, and a plan you can repeat will do more than another argument ever will.

Hold your boundaries like guardrails, not punishments: you’re protecting your home, your kids, your money, and your sanity while still leaving a clear path back to help.

If you need help:

SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) — free, confidential, 24/7/365 treatment referral and information for individuals and families; available in English and Spanish.
FindTreatment.gov: a directory for finding treatment options in the U.S.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 (U.S.) for free, confidential, 24/7 support from the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

Some links below are affiliate links—if you click and buy, this site may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. It helps keep the lights on, and only services worth recommending get linked.

Talkspace provides virtual therapy (and also offers psychiatry services on its platform), so support can happen from a phone or computer instead of an office visit.
Online-Therapy.com is a CBT-focused online therapy platform that combines a self-guided program (sections + worksheets) with therapist support, including messaging and optional live sessions depending on subscription level.
Brightside offers an online Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) for substance use disorder, built around a weekly schedule that includes group therapy, individual therapy, and psychiatry/med consults as needed.

Keep Going

Early Recovery Guide: Start Here (the “what to do in the first days/weeks” playbook).

Trigger Audit (People, Places, Moods)

Detox vs Rehab vs IOP (What level of care is right for you?)

First Meeting Guide (Nervous about your first meeting?)

Craving Plan (Guide to win the 20 minute fight)

Boundaries With an Addict: Proven Next-Step Plan for Family & Friends

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